GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, the use of kitten huffing impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO HUFF A MATURE CAT WITHOUT PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH KITTENS! IT MAY CAUSE A LETHAL OVERDOSE!
Kitten huffing is a controversial practice that has recently been growing as a popular and healthy alternative to street drugs. Despite a long history in Western culture, the pr
actice remains largely taboo. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, including addiction, damaged sinuses, corrupted brains, which may lead to someone thinking they're something they aren't, and, in some cases, death. It is a general rule of thumb that anyone who huffs more then 3 kittens a day is an addict. Veteran huffers often caution against huffing more than a couple kittens per day as overdosing can be very unpleasant and quite dangerous.
The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensberry as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog, although two other techniques exist.
Note: Kitten Huffing is intended for people 12 and over.
Huffing Techniques
Listed here are the three most common huffing techniques.
The Cupped Hands Approach
1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Cup hands around the kitten's head, leaving a small opening to put your mouth around.
3. Inhale strongly through the opening until the soul has been completely sucked from the kitten.
4. Don't be a dick: recycle. Used kittens may be turned in to a local Kitten Recycling Center or PETA office.
The less common Plastic Tube Approach.
While less common than the Cupped Hands approach, the Plastic Tube approach is much quicker, although less satisfying. It is basically the same as the Cupped Hands approach except the first two steps are replaced by four steps.
1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Obtain a fresh, clean huffing tube.
3. Place tube at rear end of kitten.
4. Call local Poison Control Center
A kitten in a traditional huffing bowl.
Like the Plastic Tube approach, the Huffing Bowl approach has the last steps similar to the Cupped Hands approach. This is the oldest of Huffing Techniqes, dating from circa 1126 by King Henry II.
The first three steps are as follows:
1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Obtain a huffing bowl (for only £9.99 from your local newsagents) and give it a rinse.
3. Place kitten in bowl.
The fourth step has become lost in the sands of time, yet various estoric sources say a method similar to the Cupped Hands approch used on the tail or nearby, although this is to be seriously doubted.
Hover Huffing
This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the antigravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat - Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed, toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though, every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control eventually blacking out due to the g-forces induced.
Inflation Huffing
This recently discovered method of huffing was discovered by Ivan the Terrible in the year of 2084 AD. The method generally involves taking a bicycle pump, sticking it into a kitten, and then pumping and breathing in front of the kitten's face. Eventually, the kitten will become so full of air that the soul blasts out of it's body violently, causing a raw and devastating high that leaves all who experience it never the same.
Condiments
Many people sprinkle condiments on their kittens prior to huffing in order to create a different flavor or texture. Some common condiments used are wasabi, crushed cookie, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, chocolate laxatives, ABC Gum, sprinkles (jimmies), and cracked corn. Oftentimes Jimmies are used with cracked corn, which is where smart people say the song Jimmy Cracked Corn came from. Of course because these people are smart, we can disregard anything and everything they say as false.
Effects
The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation over time. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd proposition. Others claim that the kitten's post-mortem gases produce the euphoric effects. Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.
The great physician Paracelsus was known to recommend kitten huffing as a cure to influenza, the gout, syphillis, and most of all, boredom. In his Archidoxis Kittenhuffae, he states that "verily, the greatest of medicines is the kitten when huffethed through the mouth or nose, as it cureth gout, leprosy, and varied maladies of the privy members. Furthermore, the orange ones fucketh you up mighty good." Paracelsus believed that the effects of kitten huffing are caused by the human microcosm absorbing the feline microcosm; it should be noted that the Archidoxis Kittenhuffae was written under the influence of aforesaid "orange ones".
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing kittens!"
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing kittens!"
Many kitten huffers experience a constant intense craving for rice pudding. These cravings are known as the "ricies" and are caused by habitual kitten huffing as well as Disfarbulating under the influence of kittens. Police have started to crack down on suspected kitten huffers by enforcing strict laws regarding rice pudding possession. Any American citizen who has more than 5 pounds of pudding on them at any time, can be arrested on suspicion of a kitten huffing addiction. Possessing 5 pounds of rice pudding is enough to put you behind bars, because it is admissible in court as definitive proof of a kitten huffing addiction. Because of the value of this pudding among kitten huffers, the Mafia has even gotten into the rice pudding business. In Little Italy, there is a business called Rice to Riches that only serves rice pudding. It specifically caters to kitten huffers. Careless kitten huffers have reported that if the feline essence is held in the oral cavity without being passed to the lungs, it can cause temporary numbing of the tongue. This numbing is believed to be the basis for the phrase, "Cat got your tongue?" and is commonly used by those exerting peer pressure to determine whether a huffer is actually huffing or simply holding it in his mouth.
Although there is little research done on huffing kittens sprinkled with cracked corn, do to the volatility of the resulting mixture of chemicals, the only study done so far has shown that huffing these kittens may cause speed-typing addictions and/or head explosion.
Tlhings You May See While Huffing Kittens (Don't say we didn't warn you)
* Colors unknown to mankind.
* Timothy Leary may speak to you about what your kitten huffing experience really means for you. Ignore him.
* Jesus, Buddha and Nietzsche will invite you for tea and cakes.
* The perfect woman and/or perfect man.
* The spirit of This Guy visits all 1st time huffers.
* Cows if you have eaten steak before huffing.
* Your sickest fantasies.
* The soul of the cat you just killed. You cold hearted bastard.
* Michael Jackson.
* The Non-Huffable Kitten stalking you.
* Repressed childhood trama.
* your mum
History
The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Kitten huffing achieved only a minor level of interest outside of the Asian sub-continent until famed Englishman, This Guy, wrote his treatise Me and the Marquis Get Down With Some Crazy Shit on an extended huff-binge he took with the Marquis de Sade and brought the practice to the forefront of haute couture.
Historically, kittens were farmed on the plains of central Asia. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the emergence of the first ginger ones around 800AD. When Christopher Columbus discovered a viable trade route from Spain to China in 1492AD, he brought back fresh kitten breeding stock, which led to the advent of local, European, kitten breeding. Western breeding programs lagged behind Eastern ones until the early 20th century, when modern science and technology allowed for precise refinement of the breeding process. While many connoisseurs still claim that only imported Asian kittens are worth huffing, American and European techniques have advanced sufficiently that no casual huffer should be able to tell the difference.
Kitten huffing was declared a mortal sin within the Roman Catholic Church by Papal edict in Pius V's landmark Novarum Felinium of 1649AD.
Where to find kittens
It is possible to grow kittens indoors by purchasing a wild kitten plant over the Internet. The plant is illegal to possess, but the spores can be sold for research purposes. Kitten plants produce approximately ten kittens per month; therefore, five or six suffice to support a moderate kitten habit. Growers should note that kittens are the method through which the plant reproduces, and therefore those growing on wild plants will contain seeds. The seeds produce intense, salvia-like highs that are generally considered undesirable; therefore, amateurs are advised to purchase only plants which will yield seedless kittens.
If you are unable to grow your own, kittens can be purcased in 5 pound bags or puss from a kitten dealer or pussy. You should take care that your pussy is trustworthy, you don't want to find out that you've been huffing kittens that have been stored with other animals, such as turtles, octopi, spuppies, or even worse, Paris Hilton. Alternatively, you can use the classified ads of a local newspaper to find people who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon, giving away premium kittens so they don't have to look after them.
The War on Kitten Huffing
Kittens are often sold by the gross on the street by pushers such as this one at Stoner High School.
Kittens are often sold by the gross on the street by pushers such as this one at Stoner High School.
There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice of kitten huffing was outlawed during Prohibition as part of the Mewling Reforms, though, as with alcohol, the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground. With the repeal of Prohibition, the anti-huffing laws were also removed but the negative social stigma remained.
In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Childrens' Hour (surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children).
PSAs such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70s but eventually fell out of favor for being totally square. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous, which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.
Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican (which never did like pussy) and the Institute for a New American Veterinary. The famous National Socialist for Paedophilia's Lewis Black of the Anti Kitten Huffing Movement has campaigned tiresomely for awareness of the dangers of Kitten Huffing, however controversy surrounds the motives of his movement. There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand.
Top Huffs
Here are the top 3 huffs the world has to offer:
Tiny Orange Kittens
The fabled orange ones are the best you can get. For safety's sake, always have your orange kittens examined by an expert. You don't want to be huffing a rat covered in orange paint.
Note: You may be huffing a Non-Huffable Kitten, which will result in not getting a huff and a scratched face, as the Non-Huffable Kitten is also an orange cat.
This is just plain wrong man! Its all about the kitten you perv!
The Hoff Huff
Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers, but it is said to add a new and musty experience. Just don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism; this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff. See Kittenhuffism below for more details.
The Cheetah Huff
The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even half way there. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing.
Kitten Storage
Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kittylitter. This is basically a climate controlled set of draws, a bit like a humidore where rich people keep fat cigarettes, called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.
Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favourites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.
Kittenhuffism
Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing. However, a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally, as only true addicts end up this way.
As a side note, KittenHoffism is growing in popularity. Members are recognisable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel, and the large amount of money they give to David Hasselhoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.
